14 March 2017

Poetry, coping with loss of my brother.

I have been writing poetry since a very young age.  I have not shared it with many people but I am going to be brave and start posting past poems on here every once in awhile.

Writing poetry for me is an emotional outlet and something I only do when I am struggling.  That being said, I haven't written in years because I am happy.

In 1991, I lost my younger brother to very long and painful fight with a rare brain cancer.  Today is his birthday and he would have been 41.

This is some of the poetry I wrote when he was really sick, after we found out that his cancer was terminal.  His death was hard for our whole family to watch and it took months.  Poetry helped me deal with that.

Dear Chad,
you never seem to realize
the things that you have
until you see someone
with so much less
I never thought that time
meant so much
then I realized, I've got
my WHOLE life
not days
or weeks
but years
I've experiencesdso much 
that I've taken for granted
I've accomplished so much
when I thought that I have done nothing
I've lived so much
When I thought that I have just begun
But, what if it was me
what if I was dying
what about all the things that
you will never do
the places you will never see
the people you will never meet
the sunsets you will never gaze at

If I could give you 
just one thing
I would grant you your wish
I would give you life
I would give you time
I would let you go on and grow
to see you drive a car
and graduate
to fall in love and have kids
to be whatever you want to be
to let you be free
I know you feel trapped
I know you are afraid
I can see the pain in your eyes
But I can't imagine how you feel
I don't know what to do
All I know is that I love you
and I don't want you to die
I just wish I could change it
I wish you didn't have all of this pain.

Moments before 
I feel......
numb, nothingness
it's not as though
I can't feel
I chose not to
because the emotions
would be
way to much to handle
I want to say
I am afraid
because I know I should be
I want to say
I hurt
but ....
I don't
I want to scream
but I know
there is a reason
to all this madness
so moments before
I have to say
I know someday
I will see you
I will miss you
I do love you

Moments before
I see myself
losing a brother
I see my brother
losing a life
but gaining peace
and freedon
from pain  

Every year, on his birthday, I wonder what he would have been like.  Would he have kids?  What would his life be like?  I can't believe he would be 41-years-old.  He is missed.

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